278 to the 440
I apologize in advance for the content of this post... to whom am I apologizing? Myself, I guess, but I'm in a mood, and just feel like ranting. That's what I do when I get in a mood, I rant. Mostly to myself, but that's how I rationalize things, work through them in my head, get all my thoughts out so I can focus on lesser, more insignifigant things, like the weather, which by the way has been gorgeous these past couple of days. Anyway, please forgive me for this display of patheticism and by no means am I searching for sympathy, I get enough internally thanks.
So yeah, I'm in a mood... mostly which developed on my car ride home tonight. I'm in a nutshell depressed and lonely, just a little moreso than usual. I've come to the realization that everyone around me, my friends, are starting to venture into what I like to call couple mode... Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger, and I'm no spring chicken either. Granted, my youth has yet to escape me and marriage should be something way in the back of the mind of someone my age, but it just seems that those around me all have signifigant others, and christian is left alone. And you know how it is once you're with someone, you want to do couple things. Now I'm not saying that this is the case with my friends, because it is far from that. It's just that hanging out with these friends automatically dubs me the 3rd (or any odd number after that) wheel. Not that I mind, at least to a certain extent. I'm among friends, I'm having a good time, and that's all that matters. But in the back of my mind (more to the front than the marriage thing), there's always that nagging feeling, that reassurance that I'm alone and everyone else isn't. That something is missing.
I keep telling myself that there's nothing wrong with me, that the right person will come along eventually, but I'm beginning to think that I'm just fucking with myself. I honestly can only tell myself that for so long. And I appreciate the words from others mouths, I honestly do, but that doesnt put the girl around my arm. I have all these friends that know all these people, but not one would think to set me up. Although, in the words of one friend, they're not "the make a wish foundatation." Hmm... Granted I'm not exactly out there trying to reel in every girl I see, maybe that's where my fault is, I'm taking the passive agressive approach. But it's a crazy world out there, it's one big game. You never know who's willing, who's taken, and who just thinks you're a waste of time. I was never smooth, I have nothing but my dry sense of humor to charm, I'm not necessarily showing up everyone else out there. I am what I am, but unfortunately, that just doesnt seem to be enough, at least for the people I run into.
Anyway, something's gotta give soon. It has been TOOOO long. Maybe it's just the getting older, but I too long to do the couple things. It's fall... I want to play in the leaves with someone, go check out the foliage with someone, take some nice walks in the crisp night air with someone, I want to go pumpkin and apple picking with someone, I want to take a hayride with someone, I want to go to a haunted house with someone. Wheres the fun in fun fall things, if you cant share them with someone? I'm just tired of being the tagalong.
UGH! It's rather frustrating. And I dont ask for much. Just a sweet, hometown girl, good head on her shoulders, knows what she wants in life, determined with just the right amount of drive, great family life, and a great group of friends, because if you want to be her lover, you gotta get with her friends. I'm thinking katie holmes, kristin kreuk, with a dash of lindsay lo (from about a year ago) just for the pinch of vixen in the mix. She'd love to go out on occasion, but love to stay in. She'd have a love of music and movies, especially the "classic" ones. She'd love to talk, since I love to listen, but not talk so much that she never listens. She'd love to cook, but let me cook for her. Hell we could cook together. God, I could go on forever, but I will know her when I find her.
So yeah, that's my life, it never ends.
So yeah, I'm in a mood... mostly which developed on my car ride home tonight. I'm in a nutshell depressed and lonely, just a little moreso than usual. I've come to the realization that everyone around me, my friends, are starting to venture into what I like to call couple mode... Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger, and I'm no spring chicken either. Granted, my youth has yet to escape me and marriage should be something way in the back of the mind of someone my age, but it just seems that those around me all have signifigant others, and christian is left alone. And you know how it is once you're with someone, you want to do couple things. Now I'm not saying that this is the case with my friends, because it is far from that. It's just that hanging out with these friends automatically dubs me the 3rd (or any odd number after that) wheel. Not that I mind, at least to a certain extent. I'm among friends, I'm having a good time, and that's all that matters. But in the back of my mind (more to the front than the marriage thing), there's always that nagging feeling, that reassurance that I'm alone and everyone else isn't. That something is missing.
I keep telling myself that there's nothing wrong with me, that the right person will come along eventually, but I'm beginning to think that I'm just fucking with myself. I honestly can only tell myself that for so long. And I appreciate the words from others mouths, I honestly do, but that doesnt put the girl around my arm. I have all these friends that know all these people, but not one would think to set me up. Although, in the words of one friend, they're not "the make a wish foundatation." Hmm... Granted I'm not exactly out there trying to reel in every girl I see, maybe that's where my fault is, I'm taking the passive agressive approach. But it's a crazy world out there, it's one big game. You never know who's willing, who's taken, and who just thinks you're a waste of time. I was never smooth, I have nothing but my dry sense of humor to charm, I'm not necessarily showing up everyone else out there. I am what I am, but unfortunately, that just doesnt seem to be enough, at least for the people I run into.
Anyway, something's gotta give soon. It has been TOOOO long. Maybe it's just the getting older, but I too long to do the couple things. It's fall... I want to play in the leaves with someone, go check out the foliage with someone, take some nice walks in the crisp night air with someone, I want to go pumpkin and apple picking with someone, I want to take a hayride with someone, I want to go to a haunted house with someone. Wheres the fun in fun fall things, if you cant share them with someone? I'm just tired of being the tagalong.
UGH! It's rather frustrating. And I dont ask for much. Just a sweet, hometown girl, good head on her shoulders, knows what she wants in life, determined with just the right amount of drive, great family life, and a great group of friends, because if you want to be her lover, you gotta get with her friends. I'm thinking katie holmes, kristin kreuk, with a dash of lindsay lo (from about a year ago) just for the pinch of vixen in the mix. She'd love to go out on occasion, but love to stay in. She'd have a love of music and movies, especially the "classic" ones. She'd love to talk, since I love to listen, but not talk so much that she never listens. She'd love to cook, but let me cook for her. Hell we could cook together. God, I could go on forever, but I will know her when I find her.
So yeah, that's my life, it never ends.
posted by Christian at 2:39 AM
1 Comments:
i feel your pain. i really do. i know how that feeling creeps up on you and lingers. and i hear the same things over and over. but i do want to tell you, you are fantastic and amazing and awesome. it takes time. that's the word on the street is...
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