Right back at ya :-p

Although I'm technically considered a leo, I was born on the cancer-leo cusp, so it's times like these when I'm torn between the cautious nature of the cancer and the pompous nature of the leo... of course, for those of you who know me, I am generally dominated by the latter. But with the situation, where a valued friendship appears to be at stake, I'll tread cautiously.

Very rarely do I feel the need to justify my actions... I stand behind my thoughts and actions, regardless of whether I'm wrong or right. So rather than justify right now, I'll explain why it is I write these blogs in the first place. Everyone has thoughts, contemplative thoughts, regardless of how shallow and empty you might think a person is. At first, I thought it would be cool to talk to the world through my webpage... show people that I can be funny and interesting too. That will explain why my first blog only had one long entry, and sat on the back burner for months. Then, right around the time I started this thing, yes I had receieved a request, and yes I also noticed that this whole blog thing was catching on, so why shouldnt I join the bandwagon... another part of it was I was watching this movie "All I want" starring Elijah wood and mandy moore. I think it was some indie flick that these stars do to test their craft and prove they can be more than just a hobbit. Anyway, in a nutshell, elijah's character would always right these letters about what was going on in his life, about his relationships and such, and they would always be addressed to his dad, but he would never mail them. It was basically his form of release, writing to a person he's never even met. I asked a fellow blog writer, and good friend, why she writes in her blog. She wrote in an entry that she partly writes it for others to read. And then I asked if she would still write if she knew no one read it. Her answer... yes. So a main reason for me writing these things is release. Often, usually when I'm driving, with no distractions like the road or other cars, I think. Usually to the point where I cant remember how I got home. I have all these random thoughts going through my head. And if you wonder what that's like, you're reading it right now. My blog is basically a stream of my consciousness in a somewhat orgranized manner. That's why sometimes it's disjointed, that's why sometimes it's convoluted and verbose, and that's why it basically centers around myself and why my life is the way it is, boring and pathetic. I don't write to any particular person, it's almost as if I'm talking to myself outloud in a crowded room. Some people overhear me, some people realize I'm a crazy person muttering and move on. But I don't ask anyone to read this. I gave the disclaimer, you know what you're getting into when you click on the link to this page. Sure, some people may not like what they read, but these are my thoughts, why should I hold anything back.

Now, as I just said, I dont write these entries to anyone in particular, but at this time, I feel it's necessary to direct my attention to one person. The rest of you feel free to listen in. Now maybe I read it wrong, there's a good chance I did, but I don't think so. Now I know it was in response to something I said, and I will apologize, but only to a certain degree. Yes, I was upset. I thought it was a bit selfish to keep everyone waiting, but just that, I thought that incident was selfish. Maybe I didnt make this clear, but I didnt mean it that you were as a person selfish. And the fact that I wrote it in my blog (the reasons slightly explained above) was to get it out, blow off a little steam, and move on. The reason I may have pretended it was a joke, because the second I got it out of my system and down in text, I felt better and moved on. Which was honestly why I was a little shocked to find the entry a week and a half later. And I know I'm guilty of the same thing in a way, but has it come to the point where two people cant hold a conversation with one another if something is bothering the other person. Mine was a jerk reaction, yours was such as it was simmering for a while.

Now, as for the fact as feeling unappreciated, I'm sorry you felt that way. Sure, I'm pathetic enough to worry about my cooking being unappreciated, but once again, I was just blowing off steam. And I always worry about that stuff anyway. It experimentation, who knows who will and wont like it, regardless of what people say to be nice. And besides, by german definition, my name means to worry. Those bloody germans... Anyway, I thought all of us were at the point as friends where when we see each other, it's implied that the other is appreciated, otherwise we wouldnt be there in each other's company. It's always fun seeing you (you including jerry), and the others, I dont know why you would feel any different. Maybe it's because you were coming off a long venture and your vision was skewed, I dont know. There were a lot of people there, attention was spread thin, I'm not sure what you were expecting, but unappreciation shouldnt have been it.

Now, what else... as for our recent gathering in Delaware, think before you speak (or type I guess it is) Sure, delaware is a little farther than say princeton, and just a bit annoying to drive down the monotonous NJ turnpike, but that wasnt why I was reluctant. I was reluctant because, and don;t take this the wrong way, I was looking forward to a one on one dinner. There are conversations that you and I have, mature adult conversations, that I cant and dont have with most people. There are conversations I have with others that I dont have with you, and there are conversations you have with others that we dont have. And it is always nice to get together as a group, but when we do, I feel like all we do is goof off most of the time, attempting to trump (you're fired!) each other with our humor. You know, that stupid baby UMD shit that everyone seems to reminisce about and enjoy. We only see each other a handful of times a year and not to get sentimental, but I enjoy the time together with everyone... whether in a group or just alone. So not to hurt anyone's feelings, I agreed. Granted I was kicking and screaming, but I did agree, and in no way was it out of weakness, it was out of consideration. Or maybe that is weakness. And as for being late... when have I ever been known to be punctual?

Now you can call me an asshole... wouldnt be the first time. You can call me a douchebag... wouldnt be the first time. You can call me a slut bag whore... wouldnt be... well actually. But to say "I need some real friends," was kind of a blow to the kidneys. I'm sure that was the point, thats probably why you checked my blog almost every hour the next day to see if I would hit back. But I thought giving our great history as friends, we, or I, would be able to surpass this, slap each other in the face, and move on.

See, there, I feel better already :-)

Song for the moment: Wallflowers - "The Difference"